LOST: Two dearly loved ankles, the bones of which have not been seen for days.
LAST SEEN: Holding up my entire body weight, oh, maybe a week ago? I don’t know, who checks up on their ankles? They’re definitely gone now, though.
IF FOUND, PLEASE CALL: Me. I’ll be the one trying to figure out a way to lay on my right side and elevate my legs above my heart and also exercise and drink lots of water at the same time. You know, the one in the sexy compression socks.